9 Drunk Mercs Play
by ThisisPorky
Summary: They be playing scary games while drunk, yo
1. Chapter 1: Slenderman

_**anyway this is based off "11 drunk guys play slender" they're really funny and i suggest you check em out**_

_**also this is really bad**_

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*all nine mercs sat around an old computer on a cease-fire late at night, all rather intoxicated*

Medic: Is it on?

Engineer: Yep, nah pass me that beer don't hog it all.

Demoman: EY AM JUST A ONE EYED BLOODY MONSTER *tosses beer at Engie*

Engineer: *yelp's and catches it sloppily before popping it open and taking a sip*

Scout: Would ya hurry up and play the frickin' game?! Jesus ya all slow as dicks!

Everyone: *laughing loudly*

Spy: Vhat is the story about, hmm? *drunken gibberish about having to know the story with occasional "honhonhon" in a sentence*

Pyro: *drunken huddas while waving hands in the air*

Demoman: Aye, who's controlling 'im?'

Engineer:Am controlling where he looks-

Solider: *suddenly bursts through the room with a crate full of beers* AND I SHALL CONTROL THE MAGGOTS LEGS

Scout: Aw, jezz, do ya 'ave to yell?

Solider: *sits himself beside Engie and places a hand on the key-board*

Engineer: *places his right hand on the mouse*

Spy: You do know vhat you're doing, right?

Both: Yeah.

All: *takes a huge gulp from their beer, Pyro supping it through a straw*

*presses "**start**", loading of Slender on the screen, then in game in the dark forest*

Scout: Alright, go, walk forward!

*collective screaming of moving forward while drinking beer*

Scout: Press 'W', idiot!

Soldier: I AM NOW MOVING FORWARD

Medic: Okay, Engineer, look around. Vhat do you see?

Engineer: ...Tree's-

Pyro: Hudda! Hudda huh!

Heavy: Go right! Go to big tree!

Scout: Big tree, big tree, big tree, right, right, right!

Demoman: aaaAAAAAAAAA

Heavy: *random freak out 1*

*confused drunken babbling and screaming about the male genitalia*

Sniper: ...a paGE!

Everyone: PAGE GRAB THE PAGE GRAB THE FUCKING PAGE ON THAT TREE *page is picked up* YEEEEEEEE GO GOGOGOGOGOGGO *random clapping*

Sniper: Keep going up!

Medic: Stay straight!

Soldier: I want to go this way- *static on the screen as he turns right, Slenderman appears and screen goes staticy and messed up*

*general terror, manly man screams*

Scout: RUN YOU FUCK

Heavy: RUN BABY MAN RUN

Soldier: HOW DO I RUN

Medic: HOLD SHIFT

Scout: YOU FUCKING ASS HOLD SHIFT

Sniper: SHIFT SHIFT SHIFT SHIFT *all simultaneously screaming about holding shift*

*runs for a while while all screaming, soon hear girl's pants in-game*

Scout: ...WE HAVE TITS

Demoman: WE'RE LASSES WHAT

Heavy: Vhat kind of sick baby girl go to voods at night alone to collect paper?!

Scout: While there's a creepy tall dude walking outside?! Spy, why are ya in this frickin' game stalkin' a little girl you sad old fuck?!

Spy: Fuck you, mon cheir! ...Look, a house!

Scout: GO TO THE HOUSE GO TO THE HOUSE

Engineer: AH WHERE

*screaming*

Sniper: LEFT YOU'VE JUST GONE PAST IT WANKA'

Pyro: Hudda!

*some classes take sips of their beer*

Soldier: THIS HOUSE DOES NOT LOOK WELCOMING

Medic: WHO CARES GO INSIDE

Sniper: OI'M GONNA PISS MESELF

*all go quiet other than footsteps in game*

...

Scout: Take a left.

Solider: *goes left* ...Now what?

Scout: Go to the end, idiot!

Heavy: *random freak out 2*

*all collective screaming*

Sniper: YOU BLOODY WANKA WHAT THE BLOODY 'ELL WAS THAT FOR-

Medic: Go in 'zat room! Check all ze rooms, here!

Heavy: Is baby Doktor mad?!

Medic: Only slightly!

*goes into the room, see's nothing, goes back out to see Slender at the end of the hall*

*collective screaming*

*loud manly screams*

*spy's noticeable freak-out in French drunken babble*

*demo falls back from his chair before getting back up and panting, looking at the screen with his eye focused while drinking from his scrumpie*

Scout: LOOK AWAY FROM HIM YOU GIANT DILDO FAGGOT FUCK

Engineer: AM TRYIN' YOU NUGGET HEAD

Soldier: I AM FREAKING OUT AND THE BEER IS NOT HELPING

Pyro: *joyful laughing and gentle clapping before falling on to his back, still muffling laughter*

Demoman: GO BACK TO THA' ROOM GO BACK GO BACK GO BACK GO BACK-

Sniper: OH GOd he's ro'ight fUCKIN' THERE

Scout: HE'S AROUND THE CORNER

Engineer: NO SOLDIER STOP MOVING

Soldier: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Demoman: WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT

Everyone: ...

Spy: ... *drunkenly* I think now vould be a good time to sing~

Scout: ...AND AA SAID,

Everyone really loudly: AYYYYYYE AYYYE AYYYYE YEAH YEAH, AYYYYE AYYYE YEAH

Scout: A SAID, "HEY",

Everyone: WHATS GOIN' ONN

Demoman: WOOOOO

*goes out of the room, nothing there*

Scout: *laughing* GO GO GO BEFORE HE COMES BACK AND FUCKS YOU UP THE ASS

Spy: SCOUT STOP TALKING ABOUT DICKS

Scout: I DIDN'T EVEN USE DICK IN THAT SENTENCE SO FUCK YOU

*run out of the house and to where those weird tanks are*

Demoman: ...a pAGE

Medic: *claps with every "page" said and jumps about* PAGE PAGE PAGE PAGE PAGE PAGE

Soldier: THERE ARE TREE'S EVERYWHERE

Scout: WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT THEY'RE ALL THE WAY OVER THE BACK OF THE TANKS YOU FUCKIN' DICK

Heavy: *random freak out 3*

Demoman: *starts screaming*

*they collect the page and quickly finish their drinks*

Engineer: Quick prESS SHIFT AND RUN

Soldier: FUCK

*try running off but they get turned around, their screen going all staticy* *Slenderman is right in their face and kills them*

*all screaming and jumping back*

*general fucking and bullshitting of complaints*

Scout: THIS IS BULLSHIT

Medic: Vhat a load of Kuhscheiße!

*drunken babble*

*two people pass out*

*the rest just leave the room*

*solider drunkenly smashes the computer before leaving*


	2. Chapter 2: Amnesia: The Dark Decent

_**okay so ive never played Amnesia: The Dark Decent, simply because im f2p (free to play) and my laptop sucks anyway so it would crash/be laggy all the time. so, this is about half-way in (where the character is in the food storage and picks those two things up) and is based off of Spike and Barley playing through the game (part 6). go check them out as well they're fucking awesome and need more love k**_

* * *

Sniper: SOMEONE ELSE FOOKING PLAY OI'VE BEEN PLAYIN' FOR AN HOUR STRAIGHT

Scout: What, ya too *_hic _* pussy?

Sniper: N-NO OI JUST HAVE AN HEAD-ACHE

Heavy: Move over, big man will take over.

*loud drunken squabbling*

Spy: Zhis vill go extremely vell...

Heavy: Leetle man doubt me? *looks over at him drunkenly*

Spy: *just pulls a face* Get back to playing ze game and ve vill see, oui?

*he blows the rocks up with the Explosive in game and proceeds to the "**Food Storage**" room, and they walk over to the other room where the lantern is*

Scout: Ya goin' so fuckin' slow!

Medic: Ja, speed it up! *laughs drunkenly*

Heavy: Fine! *runs only to get freaked out at the lantern suddenly lighting up, jumping a little*

*the room goes up in cackles and drunken laughter loudly, a few people falling onto their backs*

Heavy: I-IS NOT FUNNY

Scout: AW, MAN, YOU FLEW SO FAR BACK

Heavy: SHUT UP BABY MAN I DID NOT BE SCARED

Sniper: There's anotha door to your ro'ight-

Medic: Hurry up, go! See vhat other secrets are in store!

*goes to the other door, pulls out the torch, see's the note and two machine parts on the cupboard*

Demoman: ...Pick 'em up, lad! What are yadoinyaneedtapickembloodyup

Soldier: Maggot, do not waste our time! This is beer we are wasting over you being slow!

Scout: Come on, man! Pick 'em up! Ya gotta pick 'em up!

Heavy: *hesitantly does so, picking up the letter quickly and not even bothering to read it*

*hear the monster groan in the other room*

*everyone freaks out and screams at the noise, causing Heavy to fling his mouse away from the shock*

Pyro: HUDDA HUDDA HUDDA HUH MURFF MUR MURFF HUDDA

Demoman: YA BLEEDIN' EEDIOT

Engineer: SON IT WAS JUST GROANING IT WAS NOTHIN' GOOD WE DIDN'T SEE NOTHIN'

*all generally panicking*

Heavy: *quickly gets the mouse back on the table and controls the character to hiding behind a box, the screen slowly spinning due to the character slowly going insane*

*everyone listens to the monster moan and groan somewhere else*

*Spy's noticeable "_honhonhon _"ing which is slowly pissing Heavy off*

Scout: ...G-go see where it is

Heavy: are yOU CRAZY

Medic: GO I VANT TO SEE ITS DETACHED JAW AND SOULLESS EYES ZHEY REMIND ME OF MIEN BIRDS

*everyone stares at Medic before looking back to the screen*

Scout: If you won't then I will. *takes a large gulp from his drink*

Heavy: Fine, you control and I look.

Scout: Sounds good ta me.

*Scout sits next to him and places his hand on the keyboard while Heavy controls the mouse*

Scout: Don't sh *_hic _* shit yaself, awright?

Heavy: Just go.

Solider: And do not die! *cry's drunkenly*

Medic: Come ooooooon it's not even zhat scary~ *sways a little in his seat* It's just like herr Pyro~

Pyro: *raises a hand* Hudda~!

Demoman: This reminds me 'a that to'ime where me and me Mum went to tha forest an' we got chased by that bear...

Engineer: ...They have bears in Scotland?

Demoman: I dunno, I was drunk...

*they go into the next room where the lantern is and are about to go down the stairs when the monster suddenly bursts through the darkness and charges at them*

*all of them scream like the men they are, Heavy almost throwing the mouse away again while Scout almost slams the key-board in fluster's of panic*

Scout: HEAVY YOU FAT-HEAD LOOK A-FUCKING-WAY FROM THE FUCKING DICK FACED THING YOU FAG-FACE

Heavy: AM TRYING

*monster continues to charge and strikes at them, landing a hit and grunting*

*all scream loudly again, sounding like a dying whale when all screaming together*

Spy: YOU IDIOTS BACK AVAY FROM ZE THING NOT TOVARDS IT

Scout: THE FUCK YOU THINK I'M DOIN' FRENCH FAG

Sniper: ITS RO'IGHT FOOKIN' THERE

*everyone simultaneously* HEAVY

*Heavy finally grows a brain and looks away from it while Scout slams down on the "_W _" and "_shift _" keys*

Medic: GO GO GO GO IT'S RIGHT ON YOUR TAIL

Scout: FUCKIN' REALLY I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THANKS FOR THAT YOU SHIT HEAD

Solider: SHOOT IT WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER

*get killed by the monster*

*everyone yelp's and jumps back, both Scout and Heavy jumping back so hard they fall back in their chair*

...

*the room erupts in laughter*

*the screen fades to black and the hint "**Darkness can act as cover...**" fades into the screen*

Solider: ...BULL-SHIT, WE WERE HIDING RIGHT IN THE DARKNESS AND THE PYRO MONSTER STILL SAW US

Pyro: *muffle's protests before leaping at Soldier*

*most leave the room, laughing*

Sniper: Bloody wanka's

Heavy and Scout: *slowly get up before turning off their new computer while grumbling then both fall on the floor again because of too much alcohol, beer and scrumpie bottles littering everywhere*

*Pyro and Soldier slowly follow and all four sleep on the floor and slobber everywhere*

* * *

**_im not very good at this sorry_**


End file.
